Nathaniel is Good
by Mysterious Sapphire Butterfly
Summary: these are my assurances that i am good...


**This is My first ever Bartimaeus Trilogy fic!!! (gosh, I'm so nervous...)**

**this is what I think Nathaniel went through when he was about to be swallowed by Nouda...**

**tell me if you like it...**

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Within seconds, the enormous djinni was on top of me. I could feel Bartimaeus's essence separate itself from my subconscious mind. As I register his shocked look, I feel a tremor of satisfaction surge through my body. The vaguely strangled-like feeling disappears as he melts away. I struggle to keep my eyes open as I feel Nouda's huge form slowly envelop me.

Perhaps a brief incantation….

Or the Amulet of Samarkand…could have saved me.

But I'm so tired.

I can feel my mind split into two as an internal struggle rages inside me. _The Amulet_. I furiously shake my head. No, it's for Kitty. I can feel the ghost of a smile on my lips.

Kitty Jones.

An ordinary name which represents such an extraordinary girl.

As I shut me eyes, I can see her enveloped in blinding white light. Sleek, shiny, dark hair, pale, snowy skin, large doe-like eyes and a determined grin. It was true; Jane Farrar's beauty dazzled me, but Kitty was…she was so much more beautiful. Her strong will to stand up for what is right shattered the phony John Mandrake and helped the hidden Nathaniel emerge from his suppressed cocoon. Due to her journey to the Other Place, she _**did**_ undergo a devastating transformation, but her eyes…her smile and her tongue (which was as sharp as ever) did not change. Her aura, much more powerful now, shone like the sun on all seven planes.

I can feel my smile fading as I remember my promise to her.

"You and Bartimaeus have to come back to me."

I feel a small twinge of regret as I could not fulfill her promise. I wonder: will she be annoyed with me? Or will she forgive and just forget about me?

I can feel my stomach clenching and unclenching painfully as Nouda's essence wreaks havoc to my senses.

Panic fills my quiet, desolate mind: I want to live. I want to summon Bartimaeus, I want to see Kitty, I want to know if she would just smile at me and shy away or hug me, I want to walk down Westminster again, I want to gaze at the parliament from my bedroom window, I want to eat oranges like I used to earlier, I want to see Ms. Lutyens, I want to live…

But do I deserve to? This scene is alarmingly familiar…how many magicians I know have been swallowed by djinn?

Of course. I swallow the bile. Simon Lovelace.

The smart, oily haired young handsome magician who had humiliated me in front of a gaggle of magicians…he had tried to kill the cream of the government by some hare-brained scheme of his and Quentin Makepeace's help.

He had summoned Ramuthra, another powerful entity from the Other Place. But he had been killed in the end. Bartimaeus had rightly said the ambition reeked from Lovelace's body like excess of Rowan-tree rub-on and that we were birds of the same feather…

After my selfish desire to grab the staff for myself, I find it hard not to disagree with him…

Perhaps my greed for power and fame had blinded me so much that I had transformed into some sort of wild vicious beast, eager for a few tidbits of money and fame. Ms. Lutyens, Kitty, Piper and even Jane had seen it. Jane had been kind enough to yell at me in the masquerade party as well, but, I really don't care…

As I look at myself now and think about how I was when I was 12, I feel almost ashamed to acknowledge the changes that had taken place in me. Nathaniel was kind, loving and truthful and John Mandrake…is John Mandrake his doppelganger?

What makes me different from Lovelace?

Does this mean that me, Quentin Makepeace, Simon Lovelace and co. are of the same category?

But, even if the raven pretends to be a dove by painting its feathers white, its shrill caw and true nature gives it away. I guess I was Nathaniel all along…I just hid from the fact that I was Nathaniel.

A soft smile on my pale lips. As my form blends in to contribute to Nouda's essence, I can perish with the satisfaction that I was different from Lovelace and that I was good.

Nathaniel.

I'm coming, Mrs. Underwood.

Guess I'll see you next time, Kitty.

And you too, Bartimaeus.

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